Three plus one!

 
That is what Jody is today, 3 years and 1 day!
 
Now I haven’t sat down and wrote a blog in I don’t know how long. A year? A year and a half? I could look it up but it really doesn’t matter. Thank God that Carla usually steers this ship. Over the last two days I have had a tidal wave of emotion wash over me. I haven’t been in charge of my emotions, they have been in charge of me. But I would speculate that just about anyone in my shoes would probably have something similar happen to them as well.
 
Now Jody’s birthday! First of all I want to take a moment to tell my lovely bride “I am sorry”! Anyone who knows me pretty much knows I don’t really have bad days, especially of late. But I am sad to say that yesterday I had a really bad day. The one person in this whole wide world who didn’t deserve me being in a bad mood was Carla! Yes, this particular day was a difficult one, and I know that is WHY I had the day that I did. So I have told her that I am sorry and she has forgiven me. So that being said, I didn’t even need to share that nugget of news with you, but I felt as if I should.
 
Yesterday was beautiful and painful at the same time, if that makes any kind of sense. Carla was leaving as late in the day as she could for work travel, which made the day even more difficult for her. As she packed upstairs, I was on the phone down stairs trying to have flowers delivered to her hotel room. I called the hotel to explain what this day means to us and I asked them for assistance in trying to complete this flower mission. That morning I spoke to a number of people, all of them very very pleasant, but none of their names “stuck”. I called and ordered beautiful flowers which included Carla’s favorite, Lilly’s. In the card I had them write “Love Daddy & Jody and the rest of the crew” That’s what I call my family often, “The Crew”. I think it fits!
 
Carla & I took some time for just for us on Jody’s day. In fact I’m proud to say I had my first Pedi/Medi combo! Actually it was really really wonderful. My feet are soo soft and supple right now, you really could compare them to a babies butt. I’m not kidding, they are like a new pair of feet… During the Pedi Carla & I started talking to the lady next to Carla. We had a really nice conversation, quite a few laughs. We shared with her that it was Jody’s birthday. She shared with us that she owns a cupcake shop. She told us when we finished to go over to her store and she would give us “some cupcakes on the house”. How wonderful is that, just another way that Jody makes such positive things happen. So, of course we went over and grabbed these wonderful cups (which would later be confirmed)
 
Thereafter, we got Jennifer and Joey out of school early so we could do a balloon release at the hospital where Jody lived his life. Each of us wrote a note to Jody, placed the note and one of Jody’s cards into little zip lock bags and attached them to the balloons. We did a countdown starting from 5. To be honest with you the only numbers that I heard was 3, 2, 1. If any of you read one of my earlier blog entries it was about Jody’s birthing room, 321! On 1, everyone released their messages to heaven. What are the chances of them really making it to heaven? In all reality, doesn’t seem like they would make it all the way there, but who knows. In case they didn’t, we included our e-mail address so who ever finds them might send us a message letting us know how far they may have traveled.
 
We headed home after having a tasty “Linner”, that is in between Lunch and Dinner, in the hospital cafeteria. We have had many a meals there because of Mr. Jody, and it is kind of a way to be a little closer to him. After all, that hospital was his home! We get home and we placed three candles into the two cupcakes that we were given earlier. We start to sing “Happy Birthday”, half way though I broke down. My god! Jody should be here! We should be singing Happy Birthday to his earthly form, not a 3 year old heavenly form. Carla who had stayed composed (for the most part) asked me “Do you want a hug?”. WOW can my wife’s hugs work magic. No, I didn’t stop crying, but holy smokes does it feel good when she hugs me!!! I should let you know, it wasn’t a “hug for beginners” here, nor was it from “hugs 101 online course” she was giving me the “Mac Daddy” of hugs.
 
Carla & I jump into the car to head towards the airport. I KNOW it is with a heavy heart that Carla will be getting onto this plane. Her heart isn’t into it. How could it be, this is Jody’s day! All day! So Carla has boarded the plane and it occurs to me that I have no idea whether or not the flowers ever got delivered. I call the hotel the phone is answered by a lady named Praise. I share with her why I was calling and how important that those flowers were. I began to tell her how incredible Carla is. If you ask anyone that I know and they have ears, they have heard me share how wonderful my wife is. She verified that the flowers were in her room. Whew! I believe Praise said to me “Was that a sigh of relief?” In sharing with her everything about Carla, she said “Oh, I wish I could meet your wife tonight”, but as Carla was arriving at 1:00 in the morning Praise was already going to be done with work. She asked me if she could call Carla tomorrow, I encouraged her to. Before we closed I gave her this blog address.
 
The next morning I told Carla all about Praise. To shorten a longer story, in the later part of the afternoon Carla was going with Bill S. to check into the hotel. Don’t get me started on how wonderful that man is!!!! I love you Bill. Sorry, back on course now. Carla & Bill go to the counter and Carla saw the ladies name tag, “Praise” she shouted. Then Praise shouted “Carla”. Mind you, neither of these ladies had met before. The reason they were meeting right now is because of JODY! Praise asked Carla to please hold for a moment, she had something for her. She returned with a cupcake, while giving it to Carla she told her that she wanted her to have a good day today. Carla began to shed tears, but these were tears of happiness. This special woman with a warm heart helped to make Carla’s day.
 
Both Carla & I can attest to the walls that Jody helps to break down, the bridges he builds, the connections he makes.  As so many of you have heard me say “I have four children, 3 that walk with us and 1 that soars! I thank God for the wonderful people Jody has brought into our lives!
 
Thank you Jody!
 
P.S.  This blog was done completely un-proofed by Carla (I usually proof hers) So any typo’s, punctuation issues etc. etc.  I wave any and all responsibility because she’s not here!
 

Dear Jody,

Dear Jody,

April 9^th is always a night that I am up wondering around the house, a little on edge… I know that in the wee hours marks the day you were born. I sat looking at the pictures that our friends have sent for your name gallery and watch the clock click over… Just waiting to be the first person to tell you “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!”

We are approaching…

It’s been almost 3-years since Jody was born, kind of hard to believe. Sometimes it seems like a lifetime has passed since he died, and maybe it has in some respects. Our old life left us with Jody, the old life where there was not appreciation for the simple things, the complex always on the go life that we led. Once in a while I wonder if it was really me in the room the day that he was born. My memory is fading, I can’t always remember every detail and often get my facts skewed. Similar to that of the other kids details like when they walked, talked and what their temperaments were.

I have come to realize my old perspective on life and the loss of remembering every moment is okay. I learned that we hold on to the important details, the important memories and each one of us hold on to different details. Part of life, but together between the Joe, Jennifer, Joey and myself our memories paint the full picture.

My energy is concentrated on more important details as well as the others in the house. But our memories and hearts serve us well when we need them… Such as this story of our sweet Joey.

About two weeks ago we had a parent teacher conference with his group of teachers. All of them sang about Joey’s sweetness and his amazing personality. In the conversation Jody came up. Mrs. R, Joey’s homeroom teacher said I have to tell you this… As she began she told us about the lesson they were learning that day, it was on butterflies. She asked the students if butterflies remind them of anything. Students raised their hands and answered; when she called on Joey he said, “Butterflies remind me of my brother, Jody. He is in heaven now, but they make me remember him.”

I knew what she was going to say as she led in to the story with the lesson for that day. It didn’t stop the tears from forming in my eyes… that simple story still as I write opens the gate of tears because, Joey remembers.

In just a few days we will be celebrating Jody’s 3^rd birthday. Absent of earthy body, but his spirit will be ever so present. Because we know each day he walks with us…

Until then…

For Jody’s birthday we wanted people to remember him by sending us pictures to add to his name gallery… It can be found here http://carlajoe.wordpress.com/jody%E2%80%99s-name-gallery/

We hope to fill the page with the pictures that our friends and family create… You can email them to us at jodysangelwings@aol.com

Today is one of those days…

As January nears its end the anxious feelings start. We all know in our home what today is, but question what feelings it will bring. The days before are filled with the feeling of defeat and the desire to retreat into ones self. It’s easy to see the doom on our faces as we ask “you know what tomorrow is?”

It was three years ago that we learned our biggest lesson. Taught to us by an unknowing doctor that had to give us devastating news. He told us “You have a unique opportunity that many others will never learn. In life it is what it is.” I remember those words exactly and when closing my eyes I can hear his voice.  He had placed his hand on mine as I lay on the table, that simple act was easily comforting.

He was correct; we learned that in life there are some things that you just can’t change. Today is that day, last year and the year before I laid in bed crying silently, knowing that the feelings I often times keep so private might just creep up today. People might think that by now we should be over it… Today is not a reminder of death or even getting Jody’s fatal diagnosis. Today is a reminder that hopes and dreams can be so easily lost. It’s a reminder that no matter what day passes we are missing a huge part of us.

Sitting, drinking coffee, looking at Jody’s tree it’s easy to feel the peace in the day. Not like the last two years, but there is a certain amount of peace. As the lump fills in my throat and you feel that moment when all of your feelings will take over, a tear silently creeps out. Because today is not about devastating news its about shattered dreams.

Again we remember as though it was yesterday, so please forgive us for carrying our sad faces around. In our hearts we are proud, today we must retreat and take a moment to remember. Its these days that make us human… and remind us there will never be a time that he is lost in our hearts.

Today is one of those days…

Tags

Angels, ARPKD, berevement, Carla and Joe, Carla Terian, celebrate, celebration, Jody michael, Jody Michael Terian, joe and carla, loss, Polycystic Kidney Disease, sadness, sarrow, tears, terian

As January nears its end the anxious feelings start. We all know in our home what today is, but question what feelings it will bring. The days before are filled with the feeling of defeat and the desire to retreat into ones self. It’s easy to see the doom on our faces as we ask “you know what tomorrow is?”

It was three years ago that we learned our biggest lesson. Taught to us by an unknowing doctor that had to give us devastating news. He told us “You have a unique opportunity that many others will never learn. In life it is what it is.” I remember those words exactly and when closing my eyes I can hear his voice.  He had placed his hand on mine as I lay on the table, that simple act was easily comforting.

He was correct; we learned that in life there are some things that you just can’t change. Today is that day, last year and the year before I laid in bed crying silently, knowing that the feelings I often times keep so private might just creep up today. People might think that by now we should be over it… Today is not a reminder of death or even getting Jody’s fatal diagnosis. Today is a reminder that hopes and dreams can be so easily lost. It’s a reminder that no matter what day passes we are missing a huge part of us.

Sitting, drinking coffee, looking at Jody’s tree it’s easy to feel the peace in the day. Not like the last two years, but there is a certain amount of peace. As the lump fills in my throat and you feel that moment when all of your feelings will take over, a tear silently creeps out. Because today is not about devastating news its about shattered dreams.

Again we remember as though it was yesterday, so please forgive us for carrying our sad faces around. In our hearts we are proud, today we must retreat and take a moment to remember. Its these days that make us human… and remind us there will never be a time that he is lost in our hearts.

Goodies

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angelina, goodies, photos

These are goodies!!!

These photos were taken by Angelina… Visit her website… http://cherrymoonphotography.com/#

Where are you today?

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grief journey

I was talking with a sweet woman today we will call her “Betty” about life. She confided in me that her husband passed away in May. I have no clue of her age, but she said she is working through loneliness… I felt deep sadness for her, the thought of losing your partner, your confident and your best friend.

In the conversation she mentioned Jody, she knew about him and felt deeply as we carried him and loved him while he was here. Most importantly how we love him after. My heart sang… she knew his name… But again she confided in me, she was a mother of 3 lost babies… I remember all three a premature twin, one at 5 months and stillbirth. My heart sank. I had no clue what to say. How could I have no clue on what to say?

One thing she said is “I am pleased with where I am today.” I thought to myself… Where am I today in working with Jody’s loss? Grief is a journey you battle forever. Always aware of the black hole traveling behind you, knowing you could fall in at any moment…  You never stop yearning for your loved one, but after time it does get easier.

Where am I now?
This is a good question, one that I rarely have time to think about, nor would I ever think about writing about it…

I don’t make enough time for me these days; I am working mom to three living children, a wife and a part time crafter. Sometimes I feel like I’m barely keeping up! I have yet to get my groove back in terms of the way I use to be. I am almost ready to forget that organized, patient, outgoing person I was previously and embrace the new disorganized chaos that I have created.

I am different, forever changed. But also different from those early days where I was consumed by my grief…

I am so grateful to have found a small group of mamas who lost their babies to the same disease. I spent my days emailing and commenting with these babyloss mamas and they helped me feel sane and supported in a world that has no space for grief or dead babies.

I wrote a lot –I have pages filled with anger, jealousy, shame and bitterness. I couldn’t wrap my brain around what had happened. One moment a happy expectant mom, followed by a mom carrying a baby that would not make it, to being a bereaved mom. I guess I was really a train wreck…

Holding Jody briefly in my arms. Coming home to emptiness and meaningless. Wanting desperately to wake up from the nightmare that was my life. Time moved forward around me, without him. Other babies were born and grew. But I stood still.

Now life is so very different, 2 years 7 months and 20 days later…
I’m so grateful to be given another chance at motherhood. Julianna makes life worth living again. That sounds bad or does it? She gave me hope…  She keeps me busy, entertained and has helped me open my heart again. Sometimes I feel Jody watching us, standing next to us.  Joey feels him too…  By my saying that don’t think I am crazy… I am perfectly sane… Really!

I am constantly looking at other almost three year olds and wondering what mine would have looked like, what he would have been doing.

I still feel angry sometimes and jealous that other people around me have all their children. But the jealousy and the why me just passes through my mind momentarily. Those feelings no longer fester.

I needed to blame someone, direct my anger somewhere. I screamed and swore at the universe and God. I have a difficulty with my faith at times and many people around me who do believe so strongly. I felt robbed, I felt like my prayers went unanswered, I felt like He deserted me in my time of need…

But there was that moment… One moment that I felt peace, an overwhelming sense of peace… Who could bring that to me with the exception of Him? The peace that told me, whispering silently in my ear… “Don’t worry, she will be in your arms.” While my faith is not fully restored it’s there. I pray again with the belief that someone, somewhere is listening to me.

I have developed a fear… A really huge one as of late. I think I have forgotten how he felt in my arms. I have forgotten how his face looked. I see him in pictures and see his beauty. But those pictures are flat… Jody was not flat, he was just like me. I am forgetting him, my greatest fear… My mind plays tricks on me; I know I will never forget him in the sense that he was here. It’s the fear that over time those moments that I remember will be lost, locked away in my mind. I still ask him to visit me in my dreams; I have yet to remember him in one. I have to believe that soon enough he will answer. I have to be patient, so for now I will concentrate on what I can control.

I will focus on and continue to be in love with my family. They continuously amaze me, and make me laugh. I have a deep sense of gratitude for each one… Last night while I was awake I got to watch each one of the kids sleep, I was thankful for each breath. Sorry that before Jody I took them for granted. I hold them tight when we cuddle, because I know… There is nothing better then those moments.

None of this means that I am healed, that my old life will return…  having Julianna doesn’t means I don’t grieve anymore.  In a sense the grief is deeper, Julianna makes me aware of what’s missing…

So to answer the question… I am in a good place. Not yet accepting Jody’s loss, but feeling at peace with where I am. His passing has brought me so much; I continue to be thankful for him.

Gosh…

Julianna turned one since my last post. Can you believe it? I was thinking about the last year and reflecting about how time has flow. It really has zipped right by and I am trying to remember all of it! Its funny how your little ones grow so fast and I keep thinking that I am going to get that time back!

Fall Wreath Tutorial

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crafts, fall wreath tutorial, fun fall ideas, how to make a wreath, mom and daughter projects

Well…

Someone told me recently that I have an eye for greatness! Don’t worry… My laugh was contained within and I did refrain from yelling “Idiot” before walking away! Not sure why I started with that other then… It happened today and I was so amused I couldn’t not repeat it! If your one of our facebook friends you might just know what today was…

(Written October 20, 2011)

(Written October 20, 2011)

Wow… Well my previous post talked about how overwhelmed I was. And while I am still overwhelmed we have two of our biggest things under our belt. But also after quite some time of being ill I am on my way to being better.