The days of dread…

It was a year ago today we walked into the specialists office without a care in the world. With our two living kids in tow, we looked at ultrasound pictures knowing something just was not right… the sinking feeling that crept over us as we waited to find out what they saw.

It was two hours later we walked out of the office besides ourselves, and drove over to a park as Joey played we explained to Jennifer what we just learned. Explained we would not leave a stone unturned until we found out there was no hope.

The same evening we threw all of our “parent” rules out and the four of us crawled into bed. Joey was the only one who slept peaceful not knowing what the rest of us knew. I laid in bed tears flowing, angry, boiling over I finally went downstairs and cuddled with the blanket that I had recently finished for Jody’s room. I tried so hard to find something to just break, but through all my emotions, I knew nothing I did would change our child’s future.

Today with our heart in knots, knowing this is yet another milestone we meet filled with sorrow. We also walking in to today knowing we have no regrets, Jody’s entire existence was filled with love. We are the proudest parents of a little boy who accomplished so much more, who changed our outlook in life and taught us that those to touch your lives are always in your heart.

Better late then never

I wrote this blog a week ago and have just had some sort of block as of late… Enjoy

It’s so easy for some…

I had taken a time out from posting to be blog, maybe because I had felt so overwhelmed or maybe because I just felt like I was out of stuff to say. The second is more so the real reason.

There are things to talk about though… On Monday Joe reminded me that it had been 11 months since we learned that Jody’s condition was 100% fatal. From that day forward he was no longer looked at as viable, to most his life meant nothing. We were the opposite, we were no longer carrying our third child… we were working to get our little guy to the point we could meet him.

Here is the thing… We as a family miss Jody. Lately our kids have been a driving force in our heartbreak, they miss him TOO. Another mom I chat with (she is from Australia so I should call her a Mum!) said recently her daughter helps keep her Angel’s spirit alive in her house. Each day our children teach us something new, sometimes they help us heal… in this case their ability to express and ask questions make us humble. Joey recently asked, “When will Jody be done in Heaven?”

“He will always be in Heaven, Joey” we answered

“I want him to come home now” Joe said

“We all do love” I answered

It’s a simple request made by a 4 year-old who like us has more of an understanding of loss then he should.

Christmas

As I had mentioned in a previous post we had  a hard time getting into the spirit of Christmas this year. So there are a couple of things we did…

This year while putting up our tree I found a little hat we had purchased for Jody’s first Christmas. For years we have needed a new tree topper and have not found the perfect Angel for the top of our tree. So this year before the tree was ever put up I started searching for a boy angel tree topper. My search was fruitless, I could only find masculine Angel tree toppers… which as I am writing this might have worked.

After finding the hat and having a “Jody moment”, I composed myself walked into the house… crawled up the ladder and replaced our tired Angel with something far more fitting… Jody’s hat…

In looking for a boy angel tree topper… I found the perfect 1^st Christmas ornament for Jody. I saw it and it made me smile, this is the way I believe our little guy spends his days in Heaven!

Family Celebration

Leaving on Christmas Eve I had a sudden panic… I don’t want to go. Not to avoid family, though that is most peoples excuses at that time of year. But I had truly been missing Jody that day. Leaving with our coats on and hands full of everything. I looked at Joe with tears in my eyes and asked… “do you think it would be creepy if I took Jody?”

I can not recall his response but we left the house with Jody in tow to celebrated the holiday with all of the AZ family. Walking in again trying not to sound half deranged, I told Kathy (Joe’s mom) we had brought Jody along to celebrate, but if we could possibly keep this between all of us that were standing at the door.

Quickly we scouted around and looked for the safest place to put his urn… It was directly under the Christmas tree. Later Joe’s mom sent us pictures…

Just Once…

Just Once….

Just once I wish I could have spent a late hour rocking you in my arms,

Just once I wish I could have gently lain you in your crib.

I wish I could have changed a diaper,

Chosen an outfit for the day,

GIven you a bath,

and soothed your skin with lotion.

Just once I wish I could have heard you cry out in loneliness for me,

or spent time alone with you, just the two of us.

Strolled you proudly through the shopping mall,

Just once I wish I could have heard the words

“What a beautiful, healthy baby boy!”

Just once….

~Author Unknown~

Merry Christmas sweet Jody….

Dearest Jody,

For all of us time has not been so kind. In our minds it seems like yesterday you were in our arms, somehow I have forgotten the way your tiny little body fit so perfectly against me. So often I close my eyes, remembering your smell, soft feet and beautiful head full of hair.

Each passing month we think about what milestones you would have reached, you would be rolling over, smiling and by now I am sure you would have such a heartwarming baby laugh. Thinking of these things make us smile, they alleviate the sadness for moments.

At this time of year we find ourselves reflecting on last Christmas, we believed that everything would be okay, a few months would pass and we would have you home where you should be. All of the thoughts come rushing back.

This Christmas we wish you were here more then anything, we know you travel with us in spirit. Our hearts often tell us one thing, but sadness and wishful thinking makes us wish you were in our arms right now.

As you look in on us know that we wish more then ever to have you hear. With you in our lives the gifts we received this year are not those packages under a tree, but the ones that we hold close to our hearts. Gifts of time, unaltered love, forgiveness and blessings are what we hold dear. Stay close to us sweet Jody, kiss the Angels who gives you love each day and whisper a thank you from your Mommy…

I love you

Tis’ the season

Written December 23, 2009

This season both Joe and I have been met with obstacles, this is one of our most favorite holidays. In years past you would know Joe or I to be out shopping, anxiously awaiting the look of each others faces as we crack open that gift we put so much thought into.

But our lives have been a roller coaster this year; there have been so many ups and downs it seems as though we have constant butterflies in our stomachs. We would love to believe through everything we have maintained a sense of ourselves, and who we once were. However, the ever-resonating truth stands out we are missing part of who we should be.

We have jumped hurdles to get into the holiday spirit, but what the hell it just is not happening…

Today I found a quote, which I just love. The words speak, volumes to me. As you see our weary eyes this holiday season know we asked to borrow time from an Angel, one that was never expected to live outside the womb. We received a gift this year that will stand the test of time. Our poor memory skills will be tested over the years, but on Christmas day we will remember a few short months ago we held an Angel in our arms. His biography included us, that is just one of our greatest gifts.

“We cannot, after all, judge a biography by its length, by the number of pages in it; we must judge by the richness of the contents…Sometimes the ‘unfinisheds’ are among the most beautiful symphonies.”
— Viktor E. Frankl (The Doctor and the Soul)

Recipe

So I posed the question what to bake I needed some recipes. Joe and I whipped out the cook book today and found this recipe in the back…. Made me smile, hope you do too!

Recipe for a Happy home

Make this your “main Dish” for every day!

5c. Love
2 1/2 c. loyalty
4 c. forgiveness
5 c. faith
3 Tbsp. tenderness
1 c. friendship
5 1/2 Tbsp. hope
1 barrel laughter

Take love and loyalty; mix thoroughly with faith. Blend well with tenderness, kindness, and forgiveness. Add hope and friendship. Sprinkle abundantly with laughter. Bake with sunshine and serve daily in generous helpings.

Thank you Father Dave Lee for the wonderful cookbook from St. Ambrose Parish Community… to think this has been under our nose since 2007!

Things people bring to you

Today on Facebook, Stephanie from I have my very own angel posed the question… What is your favorite memorial poem. I think about what mine is, and can not come up with one specific favorite. But reading through everyone’s I hear this song again…

You can hear the music at http://www.k4communications.com/karl/bittersweet.html

Down The Road Of Bittersweet

We had some good news and some bad news on a cold November morn
The test confirmed that we were parents, but there was something more
Our little boy had complications, and we were frightened as could be
But we decided to go walking down the road of bittersweet

The next nine months we grew together, somehow closer than before
And our faith began to blossom into something more
We would hold each other close and pray, then cry ourselves to sleep
We knew that God was walking with us down the road of bittersweet

Jesus, take my hand and walk beside me
And make my footsteps firm beneath my feet
I know You’ve gone this way before so guide me
I’m not alone as I go walking down the road of bittersweet

The room was filled with apprehension on the day that he was born
But when I took him in my arms I knew there was so much more
There was a bond of love between us, and I was never more complete
I never knew I’d find such blessing down the road of bittersweet

The doctor said we may not have much time before we’d have to part
So I treasure every moment deep within my heart
Soon we’ll have a little angel, praying for our family
I’m just glad I got to meet him down the road of bittersweet

Jesus, take my hand and walk beside me
And make my footsteps firm beneath my feet
I know You’ve gone this way before so guide me
I’m not alone as I go walking down the road
I’m not alone as I go walking down the road
I’m not alone as I go walking down the road of bittersweet

Words & Music by Karl Kohlhase

As I played the song Joe said “Where did I hear that?”

“On the Prenatal Partners For Life website” I said. An organization we have offered our services to in order to help other families. Families that have chosen to carry to term knowing their child will not survive.

Its such a beautiful song, similar to the one we used for Jody’s memorial video. The term bittersweet is one we used so many times when Jody was still warm and cozy in my belly. The path truly is bittersweet…

Stefanie with I Have My Very Own Angel has done the same, deciding to carry to term is easy. The journey is so hard, losing your child is harder. It seems as though you lose touch with life at some points after. Its been 8 months and 1 day but it still seems like yesterday he was here.

To visit I Have My Very Own Angel got to… www.myveryownangel.org

I wear my shirt every month on the 10th as a reminder of one of the most beautiful days in my existence.

What can I say…

Yesterday…

Sitting in the conference room yesterday I asked the question “what’s the date?”

Janell kindly replied “its the 9th”

The date made no impact on me what so ever… I moved along with the paperwork I was filling out, the day continued without the least bit of sorrow about what today really is.

Today…

I woke up with a “Shit” looked at the clock which the snooze button had been over worked this morning and looking right back at me was the time 5:24 a.m. I had to be to the office in less then 40 minutes. But I made it with a quick shower I walked over to my I have my very own angel shirt slipped that puppy on and off I went.

I believe it was the at the first sip of my coffee that I had the sinking feeling that I was an ass. For weeks I have remembered that today is sweet Angel Junipers 1 year heavenly birthday. With every intention I had the best gift in mind to send to Mandy, I never sent it. I sat in the car on my drive making excuses, we have been out of town, life just happens, look we are losing touch with even our friends. Quite frankly, there is no excuse, so with a heavy heart I asked sweet Juniper for a favor… Help her mommy be kind to herself today, give her moments of peace. Getting in I sat right down at my computer and fired off a message to Mandy. So my dear friend Mandy  whom I have never met be kind to yourself today, know that through the miles and snow we are thinking of you and your family today.

8 Months…

Today is not just Junipers birthday, but also Jody is 8 heavenly months old. We all start new adventures, but this holiday season we have got something up or sleeves…

We are taking gifts to the Gilbert Mercy for families that have yet to lose their little ones… so let me tell you about what we have been up to. If you are friends, you may or may not know this, but this is why we have not called and you have not seen us!

We continue to be reminded that we are so blessed… When we came home from the hospital our friends had compiled a list of people bringing us meals… Shelly coordinated with all people and we got this list. Looking at it we were so grateful, meals were coming for a month.

So our thought were why not do something special for the families and try to get them there in time for the Holiday season. We had every intent of dropping them off this week, but are still missing a few pieces to the puzzle… We have contact so many places and you can not believe the responses, they are so heartwarming!!!

Here is what our gifts will include…

Meal Gift Cards:

Oregano’s (I will tell you about our meeting with Manuela from Oregano’s later

Joe’s BBQ

China Way

Other items to be included:

Angel Necklace (specially made by Carla & Joe)

Quilting Squares – Donated by… (Carla will make a memorial quilt for Gilbert Mercy)

Tears Bear – Donated by the Hunter Hope Foundation

We are still waiting for a few other things…

Candles (if you read the AZ Republic article it mentioned that we always have a candle in our home it’s Jody’s candle)

Birth Announcements (donated by Polka Dot Moon)

Spa services – Donated by A New U Day Spa in Chandler

We are so excited to have started this… and are still looking for more items.

One other thing…

Joe and I always talk about the technology we have in these swanky new phones. So on a day when I needed a smile he sent me a few pictures…

Joe is so lucky to be the parent home in the morning…  He sent me a picture of Jennifer riding off to school!

Oh this one came out so small… If you know me then you will know for years I was begging for a Yorkie! Last year Joe and I went to Vegas and I hit it BIG!!! Okay not really big, about $700, but still it’s big! So instead of being a nice wife and saying “Honey, I will share it with you!” I was dancing in the streets… I KNEW what I was going to do. And on the drive home when Joe asked, “so what should we do with the winnings?”

My response was “I know I am buying a dog with mine, and you don’t have any”

He did at least laugh and say he did not want a Yippee dog, then agreed as long as I did not dress him up I could get a yorkie. Well guess what? Target had these little dog outfits in their bargain bin in the front of the store. So last week I tried to buy one, Joe eyeballed me and I quietly placed it back.  Then yesterday I BOUGHT IT!!! Is my little Buster not the cutest little thing in his sweater? (I know you have to squint)

Have I got a picture for you… this was the next image I got this morning

The message attached to the image was “I guess he didn’t like his jacket!!”

I am sure Joe was just laughing at me and my dumb sweater for Buster…

He makes me laugh, the dog yes, but Joe too!!!

The world of yesterday, tomorrow and fantasy

Thanksgiving on the stone…

It’s strange the things that make you happy after losing a child. In October we were going to go to Disneyland to see Jody’s memorial stone that was placed in August. Sadly we did not make the trip because of work travel, so we thought of an even better idea.

Let’s have Thanksgiving at Disney with Jody’s stone! We packed our bags, braced ourselves for the crowds and made our way to Anaheim. There is a saying I have always loved walking into Disneyland over each bridge you enter…

It is so true, how can you not forget your worries walking through the gates of Disneyland? But just outside the threshold is our sweet little Angels stone… Of course our first stop, you think about all the things you want a child to experience and how can you miss Disneyland. Jody’s memory is there everyday, families walk over his stone on their way into the world of fantasy.

We entered the world of yesterday, tomorrow and fantasy… captured pictures of our three precious little ones at Disneyland….

Our three kids….

Because of You

As it approaches the holiday that reminds us how thankful we are for the lives we live and the individuals that surrounds us, as parents we have learned this year more then ever what life has given us.

In the article about the gifts Angelina gave us Karina quoted me,  “The loss of our child has been devastating. Still, our life is full. We can’t dwell on our loss. We can only celebrate what we have.”

I have to remind myself of this often. Reminding ourselves to be thankful for the moments we had, the feeling that for 60 minutes we had all 3 of our children living and breathing in the room with us. We are thankful…. So as we reflect on the holiday we hold on to all of the gifts that Jody gave us. We are new people, with softer hearts, not afraid to show emotions for people and situations. But most importantly we are thankful for all that we have in our lives… We leave with the reasons we are thankful for Jody, one of our greatest gifts…

Because of You
Because of you I appreciate the sunset more than before.
Because of you I stop to look up at the moon and wish upon a star.
Because of you I look forward to hearing the birds sing in the morning,
and thank God for their beautiful songs.
Because of you I am more understanding of others and accept people for who they are.
Because of you material things do not matter.
Because of you the touch of someone you love is more
precious than any gift you can receive.
Because of you I have a broken heart but I thank God for sending you to me.
For there is no stronger love than I hold for you.
Until we meet again…

We will sift through the holiday season standing tall knowing that an Angel carries us through each day.

We are also reminded that we are thankful for each person that walks with us. Yes it has been almost 8 months, hard to believe. But we know that our broken heart will only mend with time, and the love and understanding of others. We are also thankful for YOU….