As time passes us by it seems like we have done an amazing job at keeping busy, and not letting our minds rest.
This morning, I have no earthly idea what my issue is. Or why sitting here at my desk the tears start flowing as I sent another mom a message of support. I told her in just 7 days it would be 7 months since we lost Jody.
I think recently I hit that point where things are not as easy, thinking about things are not as simple anymore. Yet again we have retreated to our safe place, home. Where we have every rite to be sad, where no one judges us for it, no one looks and does not understand why we just cant “get over it”. At home it’s easy, comfortable, and defiantly not threatening.
One might ask why??? Why are you so sad? I cannot explain it. We have these moments that span out to weeks, and although you think you are moving past the grief, it hits you like a ton of bricks. I recently gave Joe an analogy that he did not understand until I demonstrated it for him, someone gave it to me a long time ago and I have always remembered it.
“Sometimes trying to get people on the same level is like standing on a chair and pulling their weight up to stand next to you.”
Joe did not understand it until I physically stood up on the chair and said “I am here, this high… is there any possibility I could pull her up to stand next to me?” His answer was “No.”
It’s just not physically possible for a person to pull someone’s body weight up to his or her level. It was not intended in the sense it has come out to but I think you get it.
Right now I am just not on the level of others, sadness is sometimes overwhelming and people do not understand what happens through the process of losing a child.
Halloween was such a hard day, first to get through the day. Maybe it started the night before when we finally tried to be cheery for the kids and pulled out the bin of decorations, carved pumpkins… and a ton of old costumes. This has always been fun, the kids mix and match all the old costumes, and they love it.
But out popped the little pea pod that Jody would have been… oh Joey was just the cutest little guy in it when he wore it 4 years ago.
Joe and I said nothing other then it would have been cute on Jody. So the next morning I woke up feeling the weight, the weight of our sorrow. Why I NEED to carry that weight I have no clue.
Joe pushed us along and talked me into going out to lunch when I remembered the chest that we had seen while shopping on Thursday. It was perfect for all of Jody’s things, a forever home for the items that were collected in such a short life. So needless to say we went and picked it up. It not perfect, a little scratched and a tad bit blemished, but beautiful just like he was.
Here is the thing I would take a picture to post if I had not dropped my camera in to toilet shortly there after. Is that not lovely? That ended the day, desire dropped to nothing, my only desire was to stay in my comfort zone and not worry about anything else. Needless to say, that is what we did. Sadly we missed what looks like a fantastic Halloween party that included plenty of fun. But its what was needed at the time. To just “Be” as we say in our family.
We take small strides each day to do positive things, but being scatter brained and extremely lazy we miss our friends. So we will move on and try to keep pace with life.
Just for a giggle…
Joe was so sweet, he so kindly took a picture of Jody’s chest which I included above. But he also sent me a picture of my camera. Sitting in the ziplock bag of rice, I keep crossing my fingers that it will work. Jody’s pictures are on the camera, ones we took of the beautiful swirl on his head… P.S. the toilet was clean I swear!