Often times now that I am pregnant I think back to Jody and remember how easy it was to bond with him during the months we knew about his condition. When we first found out, I believe there was the normal resentment, denial and guilt being the mom carrying him. But as time went on, the remaining time being pregnant was amazing.
For Father’s Day we got Joe a video camera, something we had seriously contemplated while waiting for Jody to arrive but never did get to it on our “to do” list. I was talking to a friend, and shared that it was our only regret not having it in the room with us.
You see especially right now… it’s easy to remember the emotions from conception, learning, acceptance and most of all loss. But the easiest things to remember are how amazing and beautiful he was.
There is this sense of hope that goes along with keeping him alive in our hearts. I know we have talked about many of the things we do in our home to keep Jody present.
Sometimes there are certain things that make you stop and stare. In the last few weeks as we are enjoying the weather we all stop and gaze at the beautiful butterflies all around us. It could be compared to a campfire I guess, you can sit and stare at them fluttering about, on occasions there have been 3 at a time. If I have already mentioned this I am sorry to be repeating myself. You see, when we see butterflies we take it as a message from Jody…
Talking to another mom who lost a child, Joe and I both noticed her jewelry, and everything was a butterfly. Joe brought it up, and she told him she has a special bond with them, they remind her of her daughter who has long been flying above watching her.
I found this quote…
Happiness is like a butterfly which, when pursued, is always beyond our grasp, but, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.
I think you will see four people in our back yard freeze and wait when even one is sighted. Not necessarily waiting for a butterfly to land, but more so to keep it around longer… From now on we might sit quietly and wait.
Last year Father’s Day was a very difficult day for Joe. Now obviously I am speaking for him, but it was not a happy day where you celebrate how blessed you are by your children. Much like I was on Mother’s Day, Joe was filled with loss. This year, Jennifer did something so sweet. She took the time to make Joe a card. It was a card no one had thought of. Inside it said…
She signed the card with love from herself and placed Jody’s stamp, one that we use for cards so he leaves his mark on birthday’s, Christmas cards, on it.
It was truly beautiful that she thought of remembering how wonderful Joe is for Jody, she is a thoughtful big sister who is always remembers her little brother with such love.
Let there be peace…
Shortly after arriving home from the hospital we received the most beautiful peace lily from some of my favorite Texans! It’s funny because when ever we receive plants my stomach does flip-flops. Why? We kill them pretty easily and to be honest quickly. One of the first plants I received was a rubber tree plant… I was still pregnant and when it arrived on my desk I just cried. I was going to be the end of the damn thing, and I already knew it.
We have done pretty well though! Jody’s peace lily has had a rough year; it has not been neglected, very much so loved. The only problem is that it kept dying, merely because we were tending to it. I know this is something that should be EXPECTED in our house. Well… I think not. But we persisted with the mindset; we were not going to let that happen to Jody’s peace lily. So now for the first time in a year… we have a flower! We have been coddling the plant for months and Joey LOVES to take the spray bottle to it. Our efforts have paid off!
I think our first blog entry ever was titled new growth… Thinking back it was so very fitting. Who knew that Jody would change our lives so much? One thing he taught us is the importance of those around us. He also taught us about loss… and the pain that goes along with it. With this pregnancy I think that for the most part everything we are experiencing is pretty normal.
It’s natural to reflect on past pregnancies while your pregnant and well I am paranoid. Hello!!! Paranoia go away please!!! Trying to enjoy this pregnancy has been a little difficult. But we are getting there! Joe received an early Father’s Day gift the day before Fathers day, he felt this sweet child move. The earliest ever, which means guess what… She will be a DADDY’s GIRL!!! All the other kids had run to the other side when Joe would put his hand on my belly!
This has not been the easiest… while my pregnancy with Jody was difficult it also was most enjoyable. I do not think I ever appreciated the gifts mothers have while carrying a child. I am trying my hardest to remember that, think positive and not freak out! We will get to see her again on the July 9th during our next scan, so look forward to some pictures!
Maybe just maybe she will have a little bit more “meat and taters” as Joe would say referring to her size. I love the last 4D picture we got of her. She was so cute! But we wanted to wait to post the images until she can gain a little bit of weight. She will get there!!!