Angel names, Angels, Angels danced the day you were born, Author, Carla and Joe, Girls nursery, Jody Michael Terian, joe and carla, Joey, loss, north star, nursery pictures, Subsequent pregnancy, The Next Place, Warren Hanson, wish upon a star
Little Rascal (LR)
Okay sorry about the length of this post! Really the wheels came flying off and I just got on a story. Many people have asked her name… we are still not telling!!! But will share her nursery with you! These are some pictures of Nino (Brian’s godfather name) painting! Remember Janice loaned us Brian for two weekends! I returned after a work trip home to the finished room!!! The same week we were able to pick up all LR’s furniture and the nursery started to take form! See for yourself!
Can I… Can I?!?!?!
I have a serious question! Really I do, I realized that the time I have being pregnant is coming down to the wire. So I ask myself can I blog my way out of the next six weeks? Or maybe even take a six week nap?!?! I guess I’m not really looking for permission here, I just you could say “I’m typing out loud”.
At this point a six week nap would be greatly appreciated because it seems as though sleep at this late stage in the game is no where to be found. To hell with Tylenol PM that is not working and well the next suggestion was Benadryl. Sure at this point I would take just about anything to put me into a sleep coma. Really?!? Those do not work!
I am left getting up every night about 8 times to us the bathroom and about 20 times to adjust myself and those are only the beginning. Remove our cat from the equation and I might just get an extra 10 minutes. But really what is 10 minutes in the big picture?
That’s it… the end of my lack of sleep story.
Pregnancy is amazing…
You know I have got to be 100% honest with you. I NEVER pictured myself pregnant for a 4th time. Really looking in the mirror I often want to ask myself if I am a wee bit crazy. Here is the honest answer, and one that I give so often. I never realized the true reward until I spent those last two month carrying Jody. Some of you might just ask yourself WHY?!? Yes I knew my child was going to die. There is just something about that sinking realization that made me take a step back and really see the true nature of what was happening. That in one moment he could be wiggling around and the next moment he could have silently passed…
Being pregnant again has been difficult; so many things run through your mind. Most importantly it is really a gift that if you take the lack of sleep, pain and waddle away it is the most beautiful blessing. In the beginning of this pregnancy, I was so doubtful, something I just don’t do very often. Joe picks on me once in awhile because I just don’t let things bother me. It’s hard though. Hard to know something could happen. Often we have said we are victims of statistics, which we hate. Then you hear “bad” news and the first thing I ask for are… statistics. Why? Because that is the only thing I can go on. I keep waiting for a bomb to drop, that is the Negative Nelly side of me. The positive side weighs stronger these days, at just six weeks left I honestly believe we are coming home with this little girl.
When you weigh everything with Jody and this pregnancy, I feel an overwhelming amount of guilt. Sounds kind of stupid I know… But this little girl has a brother she will never know. I think of the way Joey continues to keep Jody alive in our house. Okay let me rephrase my statement, recently Joey has talked about his brother a lot. His mentioning his brother makes my heart soar and but also it brings up the deep sadness of our loss. There is a book we purchased to explain everything to Joey before we told him about Jody’s condition. I have fallen in love with this book, because of the beauty and the meaning that goes along with it. The title is The Next Place by Warren Hanson. It is a beautifully illustrated book that exudes peace, comfort and hope. Initially we hesitated reading books like this because it truly is a celebration of life and explains that when one passes they leave behind their earthly pain. From this book he got that Jody lives in the stars above us, when we are out in the evening he plays “hide and seek” with Jody. You hear him talking to a star, and he says he knows which star Jody is in… Then proceeds to make us guess! Well, there are lots of Angels floating in the stars, most of the time we can convince him to show us which one. Usually it’s the North Star! Easily distinguishable amongst every other Angel in heaven. Okay… my story about Joey and Jody, I am sorry for being scatter brained.
In the past several weeks, Joey has really brought Jody to the forefront of our home, in the car and all sorts of other places. I can give you about a hundred examples but two just truly touch me. I have talked about Jody’s blanket, the one I asked the nurse if I could have. It was the last blanket that touched his skin, I had asked for a warm blanket for him and I believe Nurse Pam brought it to me. I just wanted him, Jody, to be warm. I kept the blanket and have since used it every night I have been home. It sits on the arm of our couch; if you were to see it you might think its odd our families “throw” blanket resembles that of a hospital blanket. But I think I would sink into a pit of despair if anything happened to it. So yesterday as we were watching football, Jody’s blanket sat at my feet semi folded, at some point Joey came over and I am sure was on his 95th question of the day. As he was asking he hugged Jody’s blanket and looked up at me. I smiled at him silently hoping his hands were not sticky and he asked me a serious question…
“Mom, you know why I love to use this blanket?”
“No” I said, “Why don’t you tell me.”
“Because when I cover up with it, it’s ummm kind of like Jody is snuggling with me.” He said.
As I tickled him and said “Hey, that’s why I love it too!”
I thought the perception of a child even at the age of 5 was amazing. We have never explained the blanket to him or the meaning it has to us. But somewhere in his little mind he came to the realization that I had not come to on my own. To the eye that blanket is nothing special, somewhat odd for a family to treasure, however that hospital blanket for the last 17 months has been my security blanket. Something of Jody’s, which I can snuggle up to, and feel his love no matter if it’s all in my mind.
My 2nd story is so sweet and shows how much stock Joey puts in Jody. When Joey sees Jody’s star he makes a wish. Where he came up with this in the last two weeks I have no clue! Needless to say he asks Jody for his wishes and expects for them to be answered. On Friday, was Jennifer’s 1st soccer game, we tried to find a little bit of shade as the sun was going down and planted ourselves right behind the goal on the soccer field. I think the level of patients Joey has for sitting through a game is… NONE! He talked the whole time to Jody’s star and us. When we got into the car he told us he had made two wishes. He had asked me to make a wish too, that I had proceeded to tell him. He did inform me that since I told him my wish would NOT come true. Fast forward to Saturday, Joey had not slept in his room maybe he had slept with me or something I can’t really recall, but as we were getting ready to go he says “Wait, I have to go to my room.” When he came down he had the saddest look on his face, and preceded to tell us his wish did not come true.
Part of me wants to run to the store and buy that Indiana Jones Lego set, however the sensible part out weights that. To believe like he does.