I have found it increasingly difficult to wrap my thoughts up in order to post lately. I have not figured out why, maybe between Julianna, work, kids and just life I am finding excuses. My recent wish within this house has been for quiet moments. I could blame a new baby, but really I would say its more Joey and Jennifer then anything else. I always joke about people not getting things done when they have a new baby because all they do is sleep. Lately we have had more awake moments, which I have been enjoying.
Today is Christmas Eve, and our big family celebration is at Grandma & Grandpa’s home. This was our holiday celebration we took Jody to last year, because I could not leave him behind. I am debating on this year again; last year there were many conversations about dropping his urn, and taking caution when you are transporting him. Looking back I can laugh now, how silly why would we not be careful with him.
Christmas has proven to be difficult for me this year; the 10th was twenty months and another reminder that Jody is not here. I have another BLM (baby loss momma) that is struggling this year and she talked about acceptance being the next step. It has been 20 months and I still have not accepted the fact that Jody is not here with us. I think there is the misconceived notion that because we have Julianna our lives will move along. I think it is a pretty good assumption for someone who has never lost a child, but after a loss you do not conceive again to replace the one who was lost. You do because you have enough love in your heart through everything to realize that each child is a unique gift. One that should not be taken for granted.
We were talking to K&B yesterday about this and I think that I have spoiled Julianna. It’s so very easy to do, and something I will continue. But I told Joe “out of all the kids, she has cried the least.” While I love Joe to death his memory is poor! I think he was wondering if the other were crybabies, or what. When he asked why I told him. “Because of Jody”
Jody taught me so much, a few of the things I wish I did not know. With grief we learn to bend and weave through the process, one that continues today. But Jody brought us so much joy and love. There is no reason to let his sister cry, and its okay to watch her sleep and smile at her peaceful face. I often wonder what a baby thinks, especially when she is sound asleep laughing that started at a week old. At first it freaked me out, but we realized she was giggling in her sleep. It brought me such happiness. The first though was Jody… he is playing with her in her dreams the way he would if he were here. I told Joe again last Friday as we were waiting in the car. She started giggling, I shared the craziness in my head and Joe said “what a wonderful thought to have”
As your tucking in your little ones tonight with smiles on their faces we wish you all a Merry Christmas. We hope your tomorrow is filled with love, joy and happiness.
Thank you to Teresa for putting this beautiful card together for us and always remembering Jody. You are a true gift to the Angel families. Peace be with you my friend.