I have a new time sponge… Yes it is true Bejewled Blitz has taken a back seat! Julianna has become my new time sponge, often times you might walk by and I am sitting there holding her. She will be happy as a clam, and to be quite honest with you, I couldn’t be happier. I had mentioned before that Jody taught me so many things, new things come more and more apparent as we go through the each day. He taught me to love naturally and wholly.
I can be honest on here (though the news says that people share too much on social media!) the holidays were hard on us. It is a very happy and exciting time for us being that we finally have Julianna in our home and she is happy and healthy. I talked about a missing piece. I think that often time’s people who have lost someone they love have difficulty during the holidays. A time when we are to rejoice in all things wonderful, our time is clouded by loss.
I try not to talk on Joe’s behalf on the blog, because often times I over state things. But I can put it mildly that once the clock struck twelve on January 1st, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I cannot explain the feeling, I dreaded the New Year because we were yet again starting over without Jody. The very thought of the New Year made my stomach do flip-flops. I have no clue how to describe it to others.
A prayer… or shoot just some positive thoughts…
When we planted Jody’s tree in the back yard, I knew there was the possibility that the tree would not make it. I mean Joe and I have an inability to keep plants living, but also many trees that we have planted have gone wrong. However, for the past 10 months Jody’s tree has grown beautifully. Taking over the back corner of the yard, but there is a problem. Our recent freezing temperatures have really affected it. I look in the corner of the yard and dread pulling it out. Joe has reminded me on several occasions to stay positive, “it might just bounce back.” I knew this was a possibility, really I did… I thought it would not affect me. But looking back in the corner at his tree looking so dreadful is sad. So I have been praying over the tree!
Yesterday (January 10th) was 21 months since Jody left us. I still talk to him every day, sometimes aloud others times keeping my thoughts in. When I was working I would get my morning coffee and while waiting for the dog to get things done outside I would watch the sunrise. Those were my most peaceful moments with Jody. Soaking in the glory of each day was something so simple and so magical at the same time. Knowing that each day I crawl out of bed is a gift. Now those quite peace-filled moments are few and far between. The kids are up by the time I get up and well that does not make time for any deep thoughts. They do provide me with new revelations though!
I have a deep appreciation for each child and their custom personality. In the last 9 weeks since I have been home I had the benefit of learning what a sweet little boy Joey is. His care and compassion for all of us in the house amazes me. He has always peppered me with kisses, but there is nothing better than that smile in the morning when he sees me. With Jennifer, she is a different case all together, our sweet pre-teen is undercover, with the exception of when it comes to the love she has for her little sister. I watch in amazement the way she carts Julianna around, the way she talks to her. Honestly overall the way she loves her.
When I have a chance to do something around the house, Jennifer holds Julianna. The conversations make me smile, together she and her brother have told Little Miss about their “big, little brother”. Each story is remembered differently, told though a child’s eyes, but most importantly they tell her Jody’s story, they share his life. I realized the other day when Joey came running out to get Jody’s blanket as he ran into the office yelling “Jody’s hugging me!!” that all of my fears were wrong. Juilanna will not live in her brothers shadow, she will live in his light. Because he taught us how to truly love.