As January nears its end the anxious feelings start. We all know in our home what today is, but question what feelings it will bring. The days before are filled with the feeling of defeat and the desire to retreat into ones self. It’s easy to see the doom on our faces as we ask “you know what tomorrow is?”

It was three years ago that we learned our biggest lesson. Taught to us by an unknowing doctor that had to give us devastating news. He told us “You have a unique opportunity that many others will never learn. In life it is what it is.” I remember those words exactly and when closing my eyes I can hear his voice.  He had placed his hand on mine as I lay on the table, that simple act was easily comforting.

He was correct; we learned that in life there are some things that you just can’t change. Today is that day, last year and the year before I laid in bed crying silently, knowing that the feelings I often times keep so private might just creep up today. People might think that by now we should be over it… Today is not a reminder of death or even getting Jody’s fatal diagnosis. Today is a reminder that hopes and dreams can be so easily lost. It’s a reminder that no matter what day passes we are missing a huge part of us.

Sitting, drinking coffee, looking at Jody’s tree it’s easy to feel the peace in the day. Not like the last two years, but there is a certain amount of peace. As the lump fills in my throat and you feel that moment when all of your feelings will take over, a tear silently creeps out. Because today is not about devastating news its about shattered dreams.

Again we remember as though it was yesterday, so please forgive us for carrying our sad faces around. In our hearts we are proud, today we must retreat and take a moment to remember. Its these days that make us human… and remind us there will never be a time that he is lost in our hearts.