April 9th is always a night that I am up wondering around the house, a little on edge… I know that in the wee hours marks the day you were born. I sat looking at the pictures that our friends have sent for your name gallery and watch the clock click over… Just waiting to be the first person to tell you “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!”
Here I am sitting under the moon waiting for that clock… I know for the last three years I have been the first one to remember you on your day.
It’s been three years… Sometimes I think I’m crazy when I think about how old you would be. Most of the time it seems like yesterday that you were with us. I am really at a loss about what to write to you this year. I feel like I just say the same thing to you each year. I know though that each letter and thought is different, but I often wonder if you hear me. Do you know what I write?
Three is getting to be a pretty big boy! I look at little kids that would be your age, honestly I never get it right! Its funny, no matter what I see you as a forever baby. I read a book recently that talked about people in heaven, how they still grow and mature. The thought pained me to think that you were up there growing into a young man, while your earthly family wonders all of the what could have been thoughts surrounding your last three years.
I look at Jennifer and Joey in the pictures we have and see the changes in them. It makes me speculate about how you would look. To see Julianna with her giant blue eyes I question what yours would have been. I know at the end of the day none of these things matter; the questions make our hearts ache and our arms yearn for you.
So here are a couple of things you should know… Your big brother says you’re his favorite person! While it leaves me a little specky affected, I understand! He talks about you all the time! On Easter he grabbed your little bunny that we got from your Nino & Nina’s family the weekend you were born, he went into the office and lay there with your blanket. Why? Because he said “I want to snuggle with Jody.” Who am I to stop him? Again I understand!
Your big sister… Well she is a tough nut to crack. She writes about you in many of her assignments for school. Recently she wrote about the day you were born, she described it as “One of the happiest days of my life.” Her journals bring tear to my eyes, it’s hard to know how she feels at times, but when I read I can hear her.
Then there is your little sister… Do you know she sits in her little chair talking to your Angel? She walks up and looks through the glass as though you’re standing there… The giggles are what get me. I don’t see anything funny, but she does. I wear an angel around my neck, when I ask her “Where’s Jody?” she points to the pendant. She can identify each member of the family in pictures, and that includes you!
The last couple of days I have been crabby, a tad bit snarky and down. These days are so easy to get that way, but I have to tell you. One of our ARPKD moms sent a beautiful card for Christmas… We listened! She said, “Be silent” – We have enjoyed not having all the noise and irritation from outside elements and have taken the time to be silent. We have also taken the time to listen in those quiet times. Something we have known for the last three years is that you are up there at work; we see it over and over again. You have brought joy, friendships and a sense of peace into our lives.
This year we will continue to listen… We love you so much and each day think of you. Continue to watch over us…
Mommy, Daddy, Sissy, Joey and Julianna