It’s been so long it seems. I haven’t written, not because I don’t want to but more so because I haven’t made the time. It seems like since you I have not gotten my head wrapped around normal and lets be honest… It’s an epic fail on my part. You would be 3.5 years old (just amazing to think of by the way) and I can’t quite get myself together enough to organize life, home and work.
I have been feeling so guilty about not writing and blogging. I wonder if people think that I have forgotten you. If adding Julianna and every other thing in life has pushed your memory to the back burner. Like “She went and had another baby and forgot about Jody.” Which is and is not the case. I don’t know how to explain it… the guilt that goes along with you is immeasurable.
In some ways I have moved on, of course I would never forget about you and think of you each day. But I guess as hard as it is I feel like my directions have changed. I don’t spend nearly as much time with parents and families in the baby loss community and have pulled away from many of the groups I was previously involved in. Not out of any disrespect to you in any way whatsoever, but because life does move forward. As people we grow and change.
This realization makes me feel like an awful person, and sometimes I miss being sad, miss being focused on you, but on the other side… I don’t. I have struggled with this and know that it’s something that I have to let go of… there is always guilt. Guilt over you not being here, guilt because I’m happy, guilt for not dwelling on your loss as much.
But here is what I do know. I know that you are with me, I see it often. Perfect example was one day this summer we were heading out to the lake. It was on the 10th and I looked at my I have my very own angel shirt and quickly put it back in the drawer. Again guilt over not remembering to wear it on the 10th I felt like it was a good reason. Sitting in the car I had read several posts from your YouTube video and had remorse over not checking it and responding more often. I made a mental note to think about it when I had more time.
Anyway, that day on the lake there were butterflies. When I say butterflies I don’t mean 1 or 2 but swarms of them. Even Mrs. C commented on them, she was taken by the number of them that were out. Me, I knew that was my sign that was you saying “Mom, its okay I know you remember me, I’m always near.”
So with that I will say… Jody, I miss you each and every day. Even though the pain is not as deep and things have gotten easier. I love you dearly; you are part of me and who I am.
I miss you…
P.S. I leave you with this picture… by Joey when we were just in CA for Thanksgiving. He said he is thankful for YOU!