Jody’s birthday came and went this year without a post. I survived his due date, Good Friday… Christmas was the hardest. I know it was six months ago, but there’s a point I have to get to here.
I’ve been quite on here. Not because I don’t have anything to say. Things are different now. Joe and I fell into that statistic of parents who lose a child that get divorced. I know!!! You’re all surprised. EVERYONE was surprised. The two people that had it all together, planned all the events, parties, trips… the ones who on the surface seemed so perfect.
When a relationship breaks, sometimes there is nothing that can fix it. And unfortunately that is what happened with Joe and I. Things were broken, not beyond repair… It got there though. I had this naïve thought that we worked so well together in all aspects except husband and wife. So of course we would go on working together so well as parents to our children. Well, my friends that hasn’t happened.
Here in this space… It was once a place where I could come and ramble. Share my thoughts without conviction. As people we mourn so often, divorce is a loss. The relationship, the hopes of what there could have been… I love Joe, not loved… I still wholeheartedly love Joe for the life we had. There were years of unhappiness with some fun and joy muddled in there. The good moments are what allowed the unhappy times to be pushed back.
In divorce there is not one person that’s a victim, there is fault around every turn. As a husband, a wife, a son, a daughter… we all lose. There is not one thing that makes it good.
I have been so afraid to post. Afraid of what I wonder… I don’t know. Divorce is failing, could it be that possibly it’s a tough thing to admit? Maybe, maybe not. I don’t know.
My new place
I have this new place. A place that Jennifer and I call home full time. A place that Joey and Julianna call home 50% of the time. In this place there is happiness, laughter and a renewed relationship with all of us. I didn’t realize in all the years I didn’t have “individual” relationships with my kids. The last 11 months have been priceless in getting to re-know the kids. Watching them grow through the tragedy of divorce.
There are new friends, old friends, new things and old things… All of these shape what’s next for us. We don’t know.
For me, Carla. I am in a place where I am happy. I have my moments when sadness creeps in. There are times I feel defeated. But the most important thing is that for the first time in a long time I am in a happy place. At home I can relax, do the things I enjoy and take moments to get to know myself as an individual again.
I have lost, relationships with family. Does that change anything? No, there is no difference in the what/who they are to me today vs. two years ago. Frustration does not change the fact that I care about them.
I have learned somethings along the way… I deserve to be loved the way that I need to be. That passion and fulfillment in a relationships is important. Most important though… You can’t change who you are for someone else, you have to be loved wholly and purely as an individual. So from here on out my heart is open to experiencing new things and I have come to embrace the change no matter how difficult it was to get here.