It was 7 years ago on this day, February 4th I received the worst news imaginable. After weeks of bed rest, praying and bargaining there was no hope. Jody would be born, most likely he would be sleeping… I would never have the opportunity to be his mom. To hold him… I remember driving out of the parking lot of the doctors office so hysterical I couldn’t drive.

And moments later sitting at the park with Jennifer explaining that even though we thought things would be ok… that her brother would die. I have sat and had coffee at that same picnic table for the last 6 years alone. Recalling those moments of sadness. The early years that followed I did so in a way to mourn him… To cry without judgment…

Its these days that I sit back and feel humbled by Jody being in my life. I don’t know how to explain it but I have believed that I was chosen to be Jody’s mom. The why’s I could never answer…. maybe because my heart is strong enough to hold on to the hope that his spirit was chosen for me to celebrate and learn from. To know that in the days, weeks and months I carried him knowing he would die I would be required to embrace the fact that my job was not to nurture his earthly form… it has been my job to love him despite not knowing him as a person, to love him beyond the relationship and attachments that are formed when we raise our children….

I honestly don’t know what I am trying to convey… I do know that today is a day that most people will walk not knowing that 7 years ago I learned the hardest lesson of my life…

In some cases it is what it is… We do not have a choice, there is nothing we can do to fight for a change. We can embrace the role we have been chosen for and walk forward not knowing where the path will take us. But knowing that in life there are some things that are out of our control.

The realization that no amount of anger, hatred, bitterness, begging, pleading, bargaining, praying, sadness or resolve will change the outcome.

On this day 7 years ago I had a precious life growing in me… his weight I remember was 16 oz, his heart rate was perfect and he wiggled as the doctor told me he would die… He kicked when termination was offered…

In that moment all 16 oz of his little person told me… I am here… Without hope from anyone… You will keep me alive.

In 7 years this has been my hardest task. To keep a child I loved and prayed for in my heart without being given the opportunity to be his mom, to hold him and love him the way I do the other kids.

I have learned many things though him… The biggest has been as it was stated so clearly by Dr. Wolfson “It is what it is.”

I look back and for that simple lesson I am thankful I was chosen to be Jody’s momma… To love a child long since forgotten by many… To know his spirit walks with me even though his earthly form no longer exists…

So today… I hope you will hug your children tight and know that in and of itself is a gift that many people do not have.

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