I will post our blogs from the beginning of our 1st blog. This will take a while because we will post it from beginning to end… http://carlajoe.typepad.com/blog/
New Growth ~~ Mar 18, 2009 at 2:14 PM
As I sit and write today I do not know what my true feelings are anymore. I try so hard to be optimistic about Jody and our expected outcome. Optimistic in my mind more so then realistic, my heart holds on knowing that this precious angel that we have been gifted with has a very special quality that is need by a higher power.
Today my sorrow comes from our appointment with the specialist we had yesterday. He gave us our original diagnosis and something about his demeanor is comforting. I do not really know what it is, but yesterday I was so angry. We learned at 33 weeks Jody is a big boy, weighing 5 lbs 13 oz, he looks beautiful in the extorted images that we could see. As a mom and dad children are always beautiful, but each and every appointment gets harder to hear the outcome and harder to understand what is happening. A question I find myself asking lately is why us?
The torture of yesterday’s appointment was not seeing Jody’s enlarged kidneys, not confirming a miracle still has not been preformed, but learning that his heart now is surrounded by fluid. That means that our little guy is fighting so hard to stay with us in the warm confines of the womb. I am blessed to be able to cherish every kick and movement while he is still with us.
I tell myself that we have been chosen to be blessed with a child that will forever live in our minds. But more so will serve a purpose in his afterlife, far greater then what we ever imagined he will accomplish on earth.
This morning I woke up and just had a heavy heart, I find it difficult not to stay in bed all day with the blinds drawn. I just want to enable myself to wallow in self-pity, to cry all of the tears until I can cry no more. To just have time with Jody so I can tell him all about life, what green grass would feel like between his toes, the rush of a rollercoaster, all of the things he will never experience. Yesterday sitting in the back yard watching the dogs, Joe and I were talking about the new growth that you see all around us. Truly, I don’t want to see new leaves growing on the trees, confirming that life does go on while I just want it to stop.
For now I would like to tell you about Jody and the things that he does and does not like
- He loves Tootsie rolls, when I eat a small tootsie roll he goes nuts, wiggling all around.
- He loves his big brother, when Joey is talking or around he gives the hardest kicks.
- He is soft and loving to Jennifer when she talks to him, and just gives her wiggles.
- Jury is out on Daddy, I believe he does not like how warm dad’s hands are all the time. Because most of the time when he puts his hand on my belly, movement stops.
- He does not like ultrasounds! He tries with all of his might to wiggle away from that wand which is probing into his space!
Just to give a little background… ~~Mar 18, 2009
Woops, maybe I should tell you a little bit about what has prompted this blog. On Feb. 4th we learned that our son we are expecting has a fatal condition, multicystic dysplastic kidney disease. Both of his kidneys are non-functioning and his lungs are underdeveloped. The 4th and the days that followed will always be fresh in our minds. Appointment after appointment I swear our file was stamped, FATAL. Sometimes I think it is on our foreheads in huge red letters.
We have so many things to share, we have a new outlook on life. You can travel with us though this blog, we know so many people are praying for us and have offered us strength throughout this. Now we would like to open a window into our world, you can virtually hold our hand through our journey and know what is going on.
We will fill in the gap from the 4th to today with our future posts.